How To Play The Accordion

By annA rydeR

Hello! I have had many requests over the years from people who would like me to explain to them how to play the accordion but I just ignored them thinking they were making some kind of sick joke. However this recent communication from Sidcup has forced me to think again:

Get an accordion. Any accordion will do as long as it has black and white long things on one side and small buttons on the other side and a squishy in and out thing in between them.
Put the accordion on yourself by putting your arms through the straps so that the black and white long things are hanging down on your right and the button things are on your left. These should be facing outwards.
Put your fingers on the black and white things and press them while pulling the squishy in and out thing in and out. They should make a kind of horrible sound which should be out of tune. If it is not out of tune press the button or buttons above the black and white things and it should eventually sound more out of tune.
Press some of the buttons. A similar thing should happen.
Try pressing both the sides at once. It should be worse.
This is about what it should sound like except you can learn to play the black and white things in a specific order if you like and you could also match the button things with the black and white things but it’s not really important as the accordion always sounds horrible.
Most useful is that if you press the small button usually situated above the other buttons while pulling and pushing the squishy in and out thing in and out, it will sound like heavy breathing. You might find this useful for something.
Another thing not many people know is that all accordions are fitted with a device which if stepped on in a particular way will arm the accordion. If the person who stepped on it moves, the accordion will detonate. I have no idea why this is really.
Do not attempt to play your accordion with other people unless you are prepared to get verbally and most likely physically abused.
Do not allow any part of your accordion to come into contact with babies, the elderly or infirm and those with perfect pitch or good hearing, or who are at all musical in anyway.
Accordions are highly flammable so are easy to get rid of…